"As-salama 3alaykum wa ra7mat Allah. As-salama 3alaykum wa ra7mat Allah."
...but with a heavy heart.
She cups her hands to mimic angel wings...
....but draws them in to capture her psalm.
She says:
"Sub7an il Malik il Qodoos, Rubb il mala'ika wal ro7...
...ya Allah, ya 7abibi...
Thank you for blessing me with this opportunity to pray."
She looks up at the ceiling, searching for the Spirit, and envisioning God's expanse looking down at her...
...but through teary eyes, all she sees is the film of fluid and everything remains unclear.
She continues:
"Bshkorak ya Allah lal shahr il mubarak, Ramadan...
...but I'm scared now that it's over.
Evil has been re-released into the world...
...but we are celebrating 3eed?"
She looks down at her hands and feels a lump in her throat and a salty bead on her lip.
She offers this prayer:
"Ya Allah, please help us carry the spirit of Ramadan forward..
...to harvest it in our hearts and heads, and to grow it with love and purity every day.
Ya Allah, let us be kind to one another and seek out the good...
...rather that smirk and summon the evil.
Ya Allah, build our strength so that we may resist temptation...
...and turn ourselves into soldiers of spirituality."
She sits taller, and feels the tears drying on her cheek, and speaks with more confidence:
"Ya Allah, remind us that none of us can judge any other. You alone are The Judge.
Ya Allah, help us to prefer forgiveness...
...help us to prefer pulling each other up rather than pushing each other down.
Ya Allah, remind us to appreciate and say, "Al 7amdulilah..."
...and remind us to be charitable."
She closes her eyes, cups her hands closer to her face, and whispers:
"Ya Allah, please keep my parents in the warmth of your love...
...and my grandparents and my aunts and uncles and my cousins and all of their families and friends and all of my friends and their families and friends...(Allah y7fazkom jamee3kom)...
...and forgive us all.
Ya Allah, help me to be a better daughter, grandaughter, niece, cousin, family member, friend, and acquaintance to them all...
...and a better Muslim and insha'Allah a mu'mina.
Ya Allah, strengthen the spirits and iman of those who have less than us and more than us and the same as us...
...and remind us that we are all humans, not one better than the other...
...and remind us that we will leave the material world with nothing but our souls and our deeds.
Ya Allah, remind us to hoard good deeds rather than meaningless materials...
...but bless the hard-working, whose intentions are pure and sincere...(Allah ya3teekom il 3afeeya)...
...and bless us with the intelligence to follow in the example of the Prophets, may peace be upon them, to make this temporary world a better place.
Ya Allah, make this world a better place."
And just before she cradles her face with her hands, her soul speaks:
"Ya Allah, bless me with the opportunity to be a mother, to be like my mother--the love of my life--and to harvest that love in my heart and self, and to grow it with more love and purity, and release it into the world."
She continues, speaking aloud:
"...but You are Most-Wise and know better than I whether I will be fit and have been formed to take that role..."
And whispering through fresh tears, she adds:
"...and I will accept the fate that You have prescribed for me...
...and I am patient and submit to Your Will..."
And she hopes:
"Ya Allah, bless me with the opportunity to be a mother."
She wipes her face with her palms and her psalm, and she sits silently.
She knows and feels the love she has for everyone she named in her prayer (she loves them and sacrifices every ounce of herself for them. Her love for them is absolutely genuine)...
...and she tears for them and herself...
...feeling that evil will now be lurking and tugging and that it will likely be interrupting her prayers to come.
She sits taller, and responds to her fear with confidence:
"La, insha'Allah la!"
And with that, she grabs her prayer beads and recites "Allahu akbar" and "Sub7an Allah" and "Al 7amdulilah" 33 times each...
...and she feels secure and OK; she knows Allah will make everything right.
She returns the masba7a to its holding place, presses her right palm against her bed and her left palm against her leg to stand, and says:
"Ya Allah."
She smiles.
