Confusion

I need saving right now...I need it as my eyes lose focus and my sight and sites become blurred.

I'm here and somewhere else all at once. I can feel myself drifting in and out of my subconscious. I don't know why I've been particularly sensitive today--well, maybe I do--but I don't know for certain if my knowledge is certain.

There's no reason to be hurting, but somehow I am. This is the third time today that I've been on the verge of tears--more like the second actually; the first two times, I brimmed over and cried.

Is it the song that makes me think of Siddi? Is it the fact that today is the birthday of a Khal I never knew but still love? Is it because my heart needs to release itself of all the prodding and poking that it's been withstanding?

I've come to find that I'm hardsurface but not hardcore. Things don't bounce off my soul or heart like they do my skin and shell--well, they don't bounce of my skin either if my scars are any testament. But my soul and heart cushion more than repel; they bring the crowds in rather than cast them out. I innately err on the side of caring more than less.

And it exhausts me...or does it strengthen?

I can't tell, for I feel that I've learned and retained and matured, but often fall back to that novice stage. It takes me less time to recover now than it did before though...so, in that sense, I'm in better shape, for that's the testament of an athlete's athletic ability--how quickly (s)he recovers. But what does it mean when she finds herself recovering repeatedly?