60 to 30

Ok, well, not exactly 60--but about, about 60 days are left until I turn 30 years old. I'm not sure how to feel about it really. My 23rd birthday was my last friend; the years including and after 25 were major foes...until I turned 29.

Twenty-nine was a year of growth, of maturity, of adulthood--emotionally speaking. As a 29-soon-to-be-30 year old, I can say with confidence that I am more confident. I trust my decisions, and make more of them. I don't care about others' opinions--I really don't; that's not just a phrase to write or repeat to myself to convince myself of its truth. I know who I am, I know that Allah knows who I am, and I know that the people who matter to me know they do--nothing else matters.

And I'm tough as fuck. I'm quite polite and appropriate, and appropriately foul-mouthed and confrontational when necessary. I have an inside of steel--it is an unyielding fortress off which pain and anger and hate ricochet. Physical or emotional--I went through so much up until 29 and during 29, and those experiences have each contributed a steel brick in the layers that build my fortress, that tower over and cast shadows on onlookers. Yes, the negatives in my life have pressed pock wounds into the walls-but they are only impressions. I use them to gain my footing and maintain my grip--I use them to climb up and get over. And that takes resilience and "quwa.

Twenty-nine has been the culmination of my journey to true honesty. TRUE HONESTY...unbridled, unfiltered, and raw revelations of myself to myself. I own what I do and how I feel; I take responsibility for it no matter its outcome. And I share myself with the people who matter. "There is a bit of vulnerability that comes with that--and I'm aware. I am honest in my forgiveness too: I forgive completely.

I am also honest in love. I love completely. And when I love a person, I commit to lodging him or her in a pure place in my world--and nurturing that relationship. If I can make a person I love smile, I give myself the greatest gift in my realm. His or her happiness is mine. I protect that love. Not even I can penetrate its walls, so once that person is cradled within, he or she is there for life. And I'm honest about it, and don't care whether others think about whether it's the "smart" or "right" way to be.

The development of these characteristics is my 29th year's legacy. What awaits me at 30? I'm excited to find out. I do think that, for the first time since 23, this birthday will be a new friend. I still have 60 days to complete my 29th life--just enough time to find the appropriate outfit for 30's celebration ;-)